The Trenches
There are days where I have a sense of ease and a lightness about me. My palms are open, ready to give and ready to receive… and then there are days like today where I’m white knuckling it. It’s not that anything majorly different is happening. I tend to believe it’s more about my expectations of the day and how I decide to deal with it. Because everyday is crazy during this season of my life. And I love it so much, but it also drives me absolutely insane at times. It’s this push and pull of beautiful, but tumultuous, while also somehow heart-breaking. Being a mom to spirited, strong-willed, energetic children is the biggest gift, but also tests you like nothing else. I have days where I feel so weary and forlorn. Where I hide tears dripping down my face as I stir the pot on the stove, (my tear ducts simply can’t wait to relieve themselves until my usual nighttime shower cry hah). You feel like you’re failing or not doing all that you should be doing.
Lately in my house, someone is always whining or crying or screaming or hurt or sick or… something. And sometimes it feels like they’re ganging up on me or messing with my mind. But then you take a moment in your room to breathe, while they stand at the door crying because you are trying to regain your sanity from all of their crying, and you have a moment of clarity and realize they are these little beings, your babies. The irony is real and I know one day I will look back and laugh. I go throughout the day with that line from the movie, A Christmas Story, running through my head, “My mother had not had a hot meal for herself in 15 years.” That’s me! I feel weary. I struggle. People will say that “this is only a season” and “they grow older”, but I don’t find comfort in this. I love that they are little and I’ve already experienced just how fast they grow. Too fast. I love these little nuggets and how they can all still somehow arrange themselves to fit on my lap in some crazy, impossible way-like I’m a tree they’re clinging on to. I want to enjoy the now and all that they are in this moment. But it’s hard when it’s a battle to unload the dishwasher or fold some laundry. Is it supposed to be this hard?? How does it take all day long to fold some clothes?? It’s like I’m trying to outwit them as I fold and that I’m a maniac fighting against a ticking timebomb. NOT my piles!! Don’t touch my piles!! ;) I’m in a constant race against time. My kids have to go to the bathroom an inconceivable amount. They say every second a baby is born. Well in my house, every second someone has to go potty. And there’s one bathroom. And we’re a very vocal family—a lot of thinking out loud. So, my son will announce he has to go to the bathroom and then my daughter will drop whatever she’s doing to race him the 2 feet down the hall to try to take ownership of the potty first. To top it off, I haven’t had a moment to go to the bathroom all day long and have to pee so badly, but I continue to hold it as they argue and then I choose being able to rush and put away the laundry over peeing. Insanity, I know.
There are times where I feel overwhelmed and disillusioned, like I’m trying to claw my way out of a ditch. I’m writing this at 11:00 at night and have had to get up to nurse my baby, and then I lose my train of thought and just want to go to bed. The key is in staying present. Living in this moment and truly finding the joy and peace within the chaos of it all. Although it feels impossible at times, I try to breathe and center and enjoy the now of life. That’s where everything is happening. I can do this! YOU can do this! Be aware of what you are doing, while you do it. Enjoy your never-ending pooping children and those little laundry thieves. And even though sometimes it seems like it would just be easier and faster to empty the dishwasher on your own, involve your 3-year-old in it. It satisfies their desire to be involved and be with you, and they learn the importance of helping out. And your heart with soften once more when after you are finally able to put on some mascara, she looks admiringly up at you and says she likes your “lash aisles”. Or your son calls you over to look at “something Sophia is doing”, which you can only imagine, but it is in fact her sweetly sitting and hugging him. You may be in the trenches too. But if you look up, you’ll see a hand helping you pull your way out.
-Tara xo
Gnarly Tip: My kids get eaten alive by mosquitoes and nothing seems to help them. Recently their nurse told me that supposedly mosquitoes don’t like coconut. I’ve been putting the fractionated coconut oil that I use as a base in my aromatherapy oils on their skin. So far it seems to help.
