Two years ago today I woke up and had a ton of coffee like always.  I dropped my son, Kai, off at the summer camp he was going to (which his little strong-willed self fought me on, of course. Another story for another time!).  Then my husband and I went for a run while he pushed our then one-year-old daughter in the stroller.  I hurried back to pick up Kai at camp, while my husband went off to help out a buddy of his.  July 19th, 2021 was just another day… until it wasn’t.  It’s funny how that happens… how a seemingly normal day can suddenly turn into one that will stay with you forever.  You know, I’ve been wanting to start my website for quite some time now.  I keep writing notes in Word Documents and in notebook after notebook lying throughout my house, while my kids climb on me or vie for my attention in some crazy way, so I keep pushing it back and saying I’ll do it when I can organize things better or when “this” or “that” happens.  Well, nothing is perfect and this certainly isn’t going to be, but I’m finally starting today by posting this (and trust me it has been nothing but a struggle to be able to convince my little ones that mommy needs a moment to do this!!). 

Two years ago today my sweet Dad passed away.  I came home from picking up my son from camp, and while he played nicely, I laid my daughter down for a nap (those were the sweet, decadent, short-lived days of Sophia napping-ahhhh), and started to unload the dishwasher.  I got a call from “Robin-Dad’s Friend” (she and her boyfriend, Chris, are the angels that brought my Dad into their home on Hospice after a long battle of being in the hospital).  I expected to talk to her for a second and then have her pass the phone to my Dad, which is the rhythm we had gotten into since my sister and I came back from helping take care of him back home in CT.  Instead, she told me that he had taken a turn for the worse and was in the process of dying.  My strong, hero of a father, who I was supposed to see again in a week, was dying as I was standing helplessly in my kitchen 500 miles away.  How was this happening?!?!  And how could I not be able to do anything about it?  I immediately jumped into survival mode and said I was going to put the kids in the car and start driving to be there, but I was gently informed that there simply wasn’t enough time.  I was able to get ahold of my sister and she was at my house in a few minutes, so that we could talk to my Dad as he was passing.  What an insane concept!?!  I still don’t fully understand.  The nurse told us he was smiling as we recounted stories and inside jokes that my Dad, sis, and I shared.  It’s amazing to think of him smiling while being unconscious and moments away from taking his last breath. It’s both tragic and beautiful. We all joined in saying the Lord’s Prayer, which is something my Dad found great comfort in during his sickness.  And then, as I was telling him that I didn’t want him to die and that I was going to miss him so much… but that it was ok for him to finally let go and be at peace… he passed.  Just like that, my strong, loving, hilarious 6 foot 5 inch Viking of a dad was gone. The day that begin with my normal insane amount of coffee, became the day that my hero died.  I was angry and I’ve never felt my anxiety overtake me like I did that day, and as I write this the tears are streaming down my face…

But you know, within the pain there is so much beauty and so much joy and as I write this I am reminded of that.  My sweet Kai, just came to wipe my tears and hug me, saying, “Momma, you look like you need a hug.”  And he knows it’s because of Papa. Honestly, I woke up today extremely angry and bitter.  Not only was today the day my beloved Dad died two years ago, but we also were told that this beat up house (I call it the “Junk Drawer”-confusing and messy to everyone else, but full of treasures and possibilities to the one who owns it), that we thought we could finally buy, was sold to someone else.  And to top it off my kids seemed extra emotional and needy for me (how dare they-haha).  So my feelings of being on edge were out for all to see.  BUT, and that’s a big but, I remind myself of all of the gifts I was given on that day 2 years ago (and that I continue to be blessed with for that matter).  I was home and able to answer the phone call, my daughter was asleep, my son was entertained, my sister was able to come over so we could be together, and my husband had the day off.  I wasn’t physically with my Dad, but he heard our voices and he was surrounded by people that truly loved and cared for him.  That is a gift and I am forever thankful.  And the biggest blessing of all, is that almost a year after he passed, on April 28th, 2022, my second precious son was born.  Healthy and happy and named Theodore (Teddy), after my hero… my Dad, the greatest man to have ever lived.  You see, there is beauty within the pain.  Sometimes you have to dig deep and it certainly doesn’t take the pain away, but it does allow you to smile and laugh again.  Thank you for letting me share my story.  

                     -Tara xo      

Song: Graves into Gardens by Elevation Worship Graves into Gardens

Beer (to cheers my Dad): Wasserhund Unleashed Boysenberry Gose https://wasserhundbrewing.com