“I named him Theodore, after you Dad!”  The smile on my Dad’s face brings me such joy.  He has tears in his bright blue eyes as he tells me how proud of me he is and how I always have a way of honoring him.  He would always tell me those things…  And even though this time he was only telling me them in my daydreams, I know it would have been exactly what he would have said to me if he had really been here.

I just turned 40 this year and I know it’s not old, but I feel like it’s old enough to have experienced so many emotions, most of which are too complicated to define at times.  You almost feel as if you are tapped out of new emotions.  This is not the case.  My sister and I leave tomorrow to go back home to CT (a place that I wish I had never left, but also know that I had to in order to be where I am today).  We’ll only be there for a little over 24 hours because that’s all we can get away for as busy mommas.  We’re going so that after two years we can finally scatter our beloved Dad’s ashes.  And my emotions are as manic as ever. I have a motley crew of emotions flowing through my veins and I’m kind of at a loss at the moment.  I struggle with so many things—leaving my kids and husband, going back home to where I grew up and still long to be, wondering what to do or say because nothing feels good enough… and the thing I fear the most, facing once again the truth that he’s really gone.  The panic of this fact sets in once again and my heart feels like it’s being ripped out of my chest.  You see, I talked to my Dad every day.  And, although I wish it could have been more, I would only get to see him a handful of times a year.  Those times were so precious and treasured.  But because of that I’ve been able to almost pretend that my Dad is still back home and that everything is the same and okay.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not in some delusional state where I really think that, but it’s something that I cling to at times to get through the bone numbing ache that comes with his loss.   

So what do I do?  My Dad didn’t have many requests for when the day came that he was to leave this world.  However, the one thing he asked is that he be cremated and for us to have his ashes spread at Harkness Park.  So what I’m going to do is pick myself up off of this heap on the floor, get it together, and help make his last wish come true.  I am going to go home to CT and I’m going to honor my beautiful father by fulfilling his one desire after he passed—to have his ashes scattered at Harkness Memorial State Park.  Where in the summer, the smell of grass and sea meet each other; the place where we spent countless hours laying on blankets and flying kites, and where we would grab a grinder and enjoy a picnic together under the shade of an old tree.  A place where the beauty and magnificence of a mansion, and the simplicity and calm of a quiet New England beach come together in a way that I have no doubt his ashes will melt into the Earth with grace and peace.  And I will imagine myself leaning into his strong, but soft chest that protected me and comforted me for all of those years… and I will give thanks and give praise and I will help set him free.  And that’s what I’m going to do.  I love you forever Daddy. I hope you feel honored.

-Tara xo

Gnarly Things to Check Out

Songs: Rod Stewart- Amazing Grace Link to Song   Bob Marley- Three Little Birds Link to Song

Drink:  A Tall Absolute and Grapefruit (cheers Dad-It’s your fave)